Nerves Strung Tight

Perhaps it is easier for some people to wait in another room while nurses and techs work on their kid but I learned that is not the case for me. Morgan had her Brain MRI a few days ago and I discovered that it is very difficult for me to wait in another room. I was allowed to be a part of every step of her CT scan, Echocardiogram, EKG and EEG. I like to make myself useful and assist the nurses where I can. I also need to be there to comfort Morgan as she undergoes all these tests. So I was caught off-guard when the nurse practitioner began to guide me out of the control room after Morgan was safely in a drug induced sleep and brought her to the "machine" for her MRI. "I can't stay?" "No, it's policy not to let parents stay and watch. We once had a parent burst through the doors while the MRI was underway and it's just not safe." I understood but I could feel myself going tense. At least when I'm able to watch I busy myself with watching whatever monitor Morgan is hooked up to. I learn a lot while listening to the nurses and I appreciate the amazing science in all this, while willing Morgan to be alright and keeping my nerves and emotions under control. Not this time.

So I waited. The whole time anxious and mentally seeing Morgan in that room by herself surrounded by the loud rhythmic hum that I could feel in my bones while standing just outside the door. Only 45 minutes went by but it seemed a lot longer. It gave me time to worry about the results. I like to pretend that I'm not that concerned; that nothing scary will turn up. But the truth is that it dominates every corner of my mind. I'm constantly having to stomp down the what if's that come up again and again. I'm at war with myself. Positive thoughts waging war against the negative. I was relieved when the nurse came and got me. The war in my mind could be paused. Morgan was out of the MRI and needed me.